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28 Of Our Favourite Engineering Jokes

24 Jul 10:00 by Jamie Silman

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Being an engineer is a serious job.

Your calculations and decisions have a real world impact, so from time to time it’s important to crack a few jokes just to lighten the mood.

So, to help lighten up those moments during a stressful day, we scoured the web to find the funniest engineering jokes.

You might laugh, cry, or even groan; but here’s 28 of our favourite engineering jokes:

 

1. God - The Engineer

Three men are sat in a bar discussing God and his profession.

"God must be a mechanical engineer,” says the first. “Just look at the joints in the human body."

“No,” say’s the second man. “God must be an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system."

“You’re both wrong,” says the third man. "God has to be a civil engineer.”

“Why’s that?” ask the other two men.

 “Well who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?"

 

2. The Balloonist

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He reduces his height and spots a woman down below.

Lowering the balloon further he shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

"Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 50 feet above this field" says the woman.

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

"You must be in management," says the woman.

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," she says, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but somehow now it's my fault."

 

3. The Hunting Trip

An engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are out hunting.

They spot a deer, and each take a turn to try and bag it.

The physicist goes first. He pulls out his lab book and quickly calculates the trajectory of the bullet, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum. The bullet falls 20m short of the deer.

The engineer goes second. He pulls out his engineers pad and book of projectile assumptions. After a few minutes he’s ready, he takes aim, and he fires. The bullet lands 20m passed the deer.

The statistician leaps in the air shouting, “We got it!”

 

4. Glass Half Full

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

5. The Talking Frog

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him.

"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess," said the frog.

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

“What is the matter?” the frog asked. “I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

"Look,” said the man. “I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool!"

 

6. The Blind Firemen

A vicar, doctor and engineer were playing a round of golf. They got to the third tee and were delayed by people still playing the hole.

The engineer lost his patience, "What's going on? We’ve been here at least 20 minutes!"

The doctor nodded in agreement.

The vicar saw the green keeper walking by and shouted to him, "How come that group ahead of us are so slow?”

The green keeper replied, "Oh, they’re all blind firemen. They all lost their sight pulling school children out of a burning building, so they can play anytime for free.”

Everyone was silent for a few seconds.

The vicar finally said, "Oh dear. I’ll be sure to pray for them. Well done on such charitable work good fellow."

The doctor added, "Yes, well done to you. I’ll make sure they get the best treatment at the eye unit in the hospital too."

The engineer, arms folded, tapping his feet said, "Ok, but if they’re blind then why can’t they play at night?”

 

7. Milk & Eggs

A wife asks her husband, an engineer, for a favour.

"Darling, can you please go to the shop to buy one pint of milk? And if they have eggs, get a dozen!"

Off he goes to the shop, and half an hour later he returns with 12 pints of milk.

His wife stares at him and asks, "Why on earth did you get 12 pints of milk?"

"Well… they had eggs," he replied.

 

8. The Definition of An Engineer

What is the definition of an engineer?

Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

 

9. The Guillotine

An Engineer, a priest, and a thief were each sentenced to death by guillotine.

They bring out the priest first, and he says "Please. Allow me to lie in the guillotine facing up, so that I might face towards God as I am about to join him."

The guards allow it, and place his head through the slot.

The guard pulls the lever and the blade comes down but stops just inches short of the priest's head. It's regarded as such a freak occurrence that the priest is pardoned and set free.

Next up is the thief.

“Heck, it worked for the priest. Put me in face up too," he says.

Again the guards allow it, and again they pull the lever.

The blade comes falling down, but again stops just short of the thief's neck. Like the priest, the thief is granted a pardon and set free, due to the marvelously good turn of fortune.

Finally the engineer is brought out.

"If you don't mind, could you put me in facing up?" he asks.

The guards agree and place him in the machine.

The guard grabs a hold of the lever, but just before he can pull, the engineer points up and says:

"Oh hey, I think I see where the problem is..."

 

10. The Wedding

Two antennas got married - the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.

 

11. The Holidaying Photon

A Photon checks into a hotel and the receptionist asks if he needs any help with his luggage.

“No thanks,” says the Photon “I’m travelling light.”

 

12. Nuclear Nutrition

What do nuclear engineers like to eat?

Fission chips

 

13. Wind Turbines

Wind turbine 1: "What kind of music do you like?"

Wind turbine 2:  "I'm a big metal fan"

 

14. Beam

An indeterminate beam walks into a bar.

"What can I get ya?" asks the bartender.

"Just give me a moment," replies the beam.

 

15. The Constipated Engineer

Did you hear about the constipated engineer?

He worked it out with a pencil.

It was a natural log.

 

16. People

There are 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

 

17. The Effects of Studying Engineering

Before studying engineering, if someone asked me what 1+1 is, I would have said 2.

Now, I'd say I'm pretty sure it's 2, but we'd better make it 3 just to be safe.

 

18. Doctors vs Engineers

What's the difference between a doctor and an engineer?

A doctor kills people one at a time.

 

19. The Train Journey

Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference. At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them.

‘How are you going to travel on a single ticket?’ asked one lawyer.

‘Wait and watch’, answered one of the engineers.

When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the three engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He knocked on the toilet door and asked, "Ticket, please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The ticket collector took it and moved on.

Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip so when they arrived at the station they bought only one ticket. To their astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy any. ‘How are you going to travel without a ticket?’ asked one of the perplexed lawyers.

“Wait and watch”, answered an engineer.

In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers into another nearby. Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding.

He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please…"

 

20. Civil Engineers vs Mechanical Engineers

What's the difference between civil engineers and mechanical engineers?

Mechanical engineers build missiles, civil engineers build targets.

 

21. Ouch

What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked?

That hertz.

 

22. Different People

A graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

A graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

A graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

A graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Would you like fries with that?"

 

23. Two Engineers

Two engineering students bumped into each other at school and one noticed the other's new bike.

He asked, "Where did you get such a wonderful bike?" 

The other student replied that a blonde rode up to him, threw her bike on the ground, took off all her clothes, threw them on the ground and said, "Take whatever you'd like to have." 

The first student says, "Good call, I'll bet her clothes wouldn't have fit either of us."

 

24. The Trainee

New engineer: "How do you estimate how long a project will take?"

Seasoned engineer: "I add up the time required for each task, then multiply the sum by pi."

New engineer: "Why pi?"

Seasoned engineer: "It ensures that all my budgets are irrational."

 

25. A Birthday Gift

What do you give your favorite electrical engineer for their birthday?

Shorts.

 

26. The Pearly Gates

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer. You're in the wrong place."

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements.

After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flushing toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flushing toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have been sent down there. Send him up here."

Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

 

27. The Flagpole

Bubba and Billy Ray were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Billy Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde? We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

 

28. The Wheelbarrow

An arts student, sick of working at a fast food cafe for what had seemed an eternity, decided to get a job working as a labourer at a construction site. Being an over-confident arts student, he soon began to brag to the other workers about all sorts of things. One day he decided to brag that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of the wiry engineer on the site. After several minutes, the engineer had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," said the engineer. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, little guy!" the braggart replied. "Let's see what you have."

The engineer reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

 


 

Know an engineering joke we missed? Send us a message and we’ll add it to the list!